GRAFFITO [political satire on line] #9 (May, 1998) >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>><<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<< GRAFFITO #9 [May 15, 1998] >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>><<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<< >>>> Introduction This time around our proclivities will seem obvious.The bitter waterfront dispute here in Australia has encouraged many a word spoken one way or the other. All other issues were superseded as the pickets at docksites nationwide became the main business of the nation. As the debate ticked over, among claim and counter claim , the primary topics of dispute settled on concepts such as productivity and world's best practice. Consequently this discourse has generated its own argot which has been taken up and played upon by the nation's satirists (all three of them). Readers may wonder how much mirth one could possibly obtain from pondering the number of containers loaded within the space of one hour by a X amount of stevedores. While short on mathematics, the following satires make a reasonable fist of declaring their intentions. After all, that's what makes them what they are. _____________________________________________________ >>>>Index: * World's best practice * Who's for waterfront reform? * The bit what's left * Ring of Irony news (article) * It has come! * On the waterfront (playscript) * Author's rights ___________________________________________________ >>>>World's best practice [Allen Myers] The PM looked solemn. "It's time -- much as I dislike that phrase -- but it is clearly time to do the duty which our responsibility demands of us." He looked around the table at the seated businessmen, most of whom evaded his gaze. "The facts are unmistakable. Australia -- the Australia we all love and cherish -- is falling behind in productivity. We are losing our ability to compete." "It's the Abos' fault", the deputy PM interjected. "Their land claims have raised the costs of business and farming ..." "Save it for public speeches", the PM snapped. "You know very well we wiped out native title in the joint sitting after the double dissolution election." "Well, they still would if they could", the deputy PM mumbled, mostly to himself. "To compete, we have to lower costs", the PM said slowly, emphasising each word. "We need more support", said one of the businessmen. "We're trying to bring costs down on the wharves, but the wharfies keep rorting the system. They're too slow and their wages are too high; we need more backing from the government to bring them into line." "More backing?!", the PM spluttered, "against your work force? C.C., you must be joking! First of all, you replaced your entire work force with machines back in early '99. We gave you a special depreciation allowance to make it profitable, and we let you appoint three High Court judges just in case there were any legal challenges." "That's all very well", replied C.C. "But what about the high taxes we have to pay? This 30% GST is pretty steep -- or it would be if I didn't spend most of my time and money in the Bahamas, Paris and Fiji." "Gentlemen, you are not facing reality", the PM insisted. "We are being underpriced by the competition, despite my government having virtually eliminated labour costs and tax burdens on business. There is only one other way to cut our costs." A muffled gasp went around the table as the listeners began to suspect what was coming. "Statistics provided to my office by the Bureau of Statistics and our embassies around the world demonstrate conclusively that Australian levels of profit are uncompetitively high. Even back in 1997-98, when profits in most countries of the region were non-existent, our profits remained high. "Australian profits continue to be well above the average. If we are to compete successfully, we must reduce costs, which means reducing our profits to world's best practice levels. For a start, my government will insist on a 50% across the board profit reduction." The PM paused for a moment, then continued, "I leave it to you gentlemen to work out the precise mechanisms. But rest assured that my government will brook no evasions of the national interest in these trying times." He turned, woke the deputy PM, and left the room with him in tow. The businessmen looked at each other almost sheepishly in silence for a few seconds. They rose simultaneously. "We're agreed, then?", one of them asked. "Of course", they all replied. "At the next election, it's back to Labor." [Allen Myers wrote a regular column for *Direct Action* for many years in which he offered his views under the banner of "The Lucky Country". Besides being a long time editor of DA he now is actively involved in the Green Left Weekly project from which this satire is taken. GLW's is located on the web at:: http://www.peg.apc.org/~greenleft ] ______________________________________________________ >>>> Who's for waterfront reform? Recently I had the opportunity of catching up with some professional stevedores at a city wine bar, whose name and location, for the moment, must remain a secret. They were not your standard blue singlet type docker, not "wharfies" in the traditional sense of the term, but men of mature outlook and experience. The illogical enthusiasms and language one usually associates with primitive trade unionism failed to visit our conversation on this occasion. Indeed, we had a jolly time mainly because we all shared the same or similar outlook on the question of waterfront reform. How the hell are youse? I said. Still workin' the port? We are. They said. Still loadin' them ships? --Still loading. Still the ones driving reform? --Still the ones. You know, it makes me so glad to hear it. You're a great bunch of aussies, you know that, a great bunch. I mean it. You should be real proud of yourselves. Despite all that abuse and the name calling, despite them yelling out...what's that they say? --Scabs. Yeah. Despite what they say, you're a great bunch of aussies. With the union reckoning 15 containers per hour was the limit, you're, what?, loading... --Three. Right. Three. Well, you're new on the job, aren't you? Give it time, eh? But the main thing is the progress we're making. We're reforming the waterfront. And the key aspect of that is-- --Smashing the union. --increasing productivity. That's the ticket. Gettin' the product from A to B cheaply and quickly. Who could fail to support such a lofty ideal? There's hardly a man or woman alive who isn't on your side. Australians one and all are saying: reform, we want it! --We want it. Of course you do. You want the jobs that will follow. The prosperity. And it's all ours just as soon as we defeat the archaic work practices that now cripple and enslave us. Because in our way stand-- --The trade unions. -- a culture of bludgery, of overtime, which this dispute has highlighted so well. And the essence of productivity reform is -- --Lower wages. Longer working hours. Who said that? Come on. Own up. We're as one here. Reformers all. Don't go dumb on me. It's not that, is it? The essence of productivity is...is...anyone? --An end to the power of the trade union movement. That's the ticket: union power is what stands between us and reform, between us and more jobs, between us and prosperity...And it always has. So what do we say? What do the "scabs" have to say? --Waterfront reform -- we're for it!" Sure we are. _____________________________________________________ >>>> The bit what's left Within the normal gist of things, in a standard working day of 8 hours, it may take me 4 hours to produce the equivalent of my wages. If the time needed to cover my wage packet is reduced from 4 to 2 hours, then the bit what's left increases from 4 to 6 hours. This is fact. The *bit what's left* makes free enterprise what it is today -- energetic, businesslike, and eventually, exceedingly profitable. Forget all the claptrap you hear. I'm telling you like it is: if you want to understand the free enterprise economy just keep you eye on all ordinary movements in the *bit what's left*. It is generally conceded that increases in the total amount of the *bits which are left* are good for us all. This is what makes productivity go up. And, as you no doubt recognise, we all should be keen on that. But advancing the total amount of what's left -- after we proletarians have had our portion -- can be reached via many optional routes: (1) By cutting wages. (2) By lengthening the working day. (3) By reducing the workforce and forcing the remainder to work harder. Given a choice, which one would you pick? Go on, be masochistic! As an upstanding citizen and bona fide Aussie battler, which would you prefer? Of course, one further option exists: (4) BOSS: "Work harder or I'll cut your wages, lengthen the shifts and lay you bludgers off!" So when asked to offer an opinion on Saint Productivity ("I dedicate my labors to the love of thee. Amen.") don't go mouthing off about changes in work practices. It's to the nitty gritty you should go. All this malarkey about productivity ("Hosannah! It riseth, O Lordey!") and world's best practice("It beginith with the deed and endeth with the greed!") is simply doublespeak for working harder and longer for less. Surely, you don't mean to tell me you're keen on that!. Instead, perhaps you have chosen to follow a gospel which urges you to struggle valiantly to realize a high ideal. With your course shaped by such a proud aim you forbear and tolerate sacrifice in the hope that jobs for all will ensue. But the *bit what's left* doesn't work like that. You have no say in what happens to it. Since compliance dictates that you work harder and longer for less why would anyone else be needed (unless they worked longer and for less than you)? There would simply be less of what's left for those who reckon they own it. And, by the way, that's not you. ______________________________________________________ >>>>Ring of Irony News [Nic Drew] Just a short note to announce that I have created a newsgroup for the Ring of Irony: alt.irony This newsgroup is for the discussion of irony, satire, parody, spoof etc. In other words, all the kinds of things that the ROI contains. Although alt.irony is not a place for posts that are merely adverts for web sites, all ring members are encouraged to post any major site updates/additions...e-zines should post a brief content-summary of each new issue etc. The alt.irony FAQ is contained on the following page: http://www.satire.demon.co.uk/newsgroup.html Any links to either the newsgroup or the FAQ would really be appreciated. Any comments/questions just give me a shout. Nic Drew Webmaster - The Blue and Brown Pages -- The Philosophy Service: Great thinkers delivered daily http://www.satire.demon.co.uk/philosophy.html The Ring of Irony: Gateway to parody, spoof and satire http://www.satire.demon.co.uk/irony.html mailto:Nic@satire.demon.co.uk _______________________________________________________ >>>> It has come! BLAAAAH! This verbal explosion occurred just as I was about to take in my day's surfeit of news. As the speaker of that BLAAAAH, my utterance was noted by many of those around me. These same people quickly turned themselves to physically note my existence: "What's he on about?" they said in quiet formation. But I, once I had shot the BLAAAAH blast forth, continued to stare at the morning daily before me. I did not open my mouth for any purpose of articulation but thought deep in my bosom that a double BLAAAAH now seemed appropriate. Before me the news loomed large: Class conflict was visiting our shores. I thought the business of class, or business class, was simply a question of the very best way to fly when someone else is paying. But this other matter, WHICH WAS SUPPOSED TO BE PASSE, was back, and it was mean and nasty, naked and....(god forbid!)struggling. The class struggle is back! Shut your windows. Lock all the doors. It has come. It *has come* Why, oh why, could they not leave well enough alone. Remember the good old days. Remember? A bloke could lose his job and still go quietly. No fuss. No mucking about. We were getting on with one another like a house on fire. Remember the easy dialogue. The problems shared. The ready input from the shop floor. Remember? Partners with management all in it together *struggling * to improve on the return for last year's quarter. That's how it was. Strength in unity. Big aussie battlers and little aussie battlers all doing their damndest to make a go of it. Now it just breaks my heart just to think of it. Now we're at each other's throats like there was no yesterday. So I read about the wharfies, about the picket lines, and what Patricks and Howard has to say; and dream about the good old days when we all learnt to take it lying down. As the ship of consensus pulls away from the quay and passes the docks wherein this struggle is partaken, I and Kim Bearzley raise our voices in sweet song: *Will ye not come back again?* ______________________________________________________ >>>>On the Waterfront [New World Order Theatre] Characters: TWEEDLE DEE: in groucho mask TWEEDLE DUM: also in groucho mask BLUEY BLUECOLLAR : notted handkerchief on head/sleaves rolled up exposing biceps fully (ie: like a singlet) ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ PROLOGUE [Bodhran like sound (Irish drum beat). A military beat. DEE and DUM march into performance area -- soldier like.] DEE: Welcome to Australia's waterfront. DUM: Where the dry brown land in which we all do dwell is kissed by sunlit sea. DEE: It's our front door. [Both step forward in unison] DUM: And our back. [Both turn around to expose behinds.] DEE: [pointing up] To the north- DUM: Sea. DEE: [pointing down] To the south- DUM: Sea. DEE: Right and left, hither and thither. DUM/DEE: [together with hands to forehead, shielding eyes.] Sea, just as far as you can see. [a beat] DEE: [Sings. DEE&DUM dance like 1920s bathing beauties in a silent movie reel.] By the sea, by the sea DUM: By the beautiful sea DUM/DEE: You and me, you and me Oh how happy we'll be [On the last line of the song, BLUEY enters and when DEE&DUM see BLUEY, they throw up their arms, freeze in mid posture and exclaim.] Oh! A waterfront person! THE PROBLEM BLUEY: [Walks in and takes centre stage. Feet apart, arms akinbo and fists clenched.] I am a waterfront person Stevedoring is my game. Ships come in I loads them -- And unloads them -- Till they go out again. [DEE&DUM break freeze] DEE: Loads them? DUM: Unloads them? [DEE & DUM scoff]. BLUEY: I, matey. As best as I am able. DEE: Best? DUM: Not world's best! DEE: Not...Not...Not the very best. DUM: There's better! DEE: 'Course there is. And cheaper. DUM: 'Course there is. DEE/DUM; Than you! [a beat] [sotto voice/petulant] Because WE say so! REFORMING THE WATERFRONT [DEE&DUM step forward in unison to address the audience.] DEE: Oh waterfront type person DUM: Of you we have no need. DEE: We gonna rid our shores DUM: And trim your claws DEE: Until they start to bleed. DUM: Oh waterfront type person DEE: Change is what we seek. DUM: From dock to dock DEE: With reforming zeal DUM: As far as mountain peak. DEE: Oh waterfront type person-- BLUEY: -Hang on. Hang on. Do you mean to tell us that...you're-- DUM: -Reforming the waterfront. BLUEY: And that the waterfront DEE: Is our front door-- [Repeat original action] DUM: And our back-- [Repeat original action] DEE: It's north- DUM: And south. DEE: Right and left, hither and thither- DUM/DEE: [Hands to forehead] Dry brown land just as far as you can see. DUM: [Quickly] On which we all do dwell. DEE: Kissed by sunlit sea DUM: Where one waterfront meets the other. BLUEY: And where's that? [DUM & DEE look at one another] DUM/DEE: Alice Springs !!! [a beat] DEE: From sea... [With BLUEY as an axis, DEE, now running, stretches a rope in an arc toward border of performance area.] DUM: To sunlit sea. [With BLUEY as an axis, DUM, now running, stretches ther other end pf the rope in an arc toward the border of the performance area.] [Then with BLUEY at its centre, DUM & DEE begin to circle the performance area at each end of the rope]. DEE: First the docks DUM: Then the mines. DEE: And the factories DUM: The small workplaces. DEE: And all the big ones too. DEE: Anywhere DUM: And everywhere. DEE: Lower wages. DUM: Longer hours. DUM/DEE: Waterfront reform! Waterfront reform! Waterfront reform...! .....weeeeeeeee! [Faster and faster, around in circles until BLUEY is well and truly tied up.] [ Once spent, they stop either side of BLUEY and address him.] DUM/DEE: And you, dear waterfront type person. DEE: Member of the MUA. DUM/DEE: Are simply: in our way. [Triumphantly, while DEE leads BLUEY off, DUM mounts BLUEY, piggy back style, gives BLUEY a whipping, and they exit to bodhran drums as BLUEY chants.] BLUEY: MUA! Here To STAY! MUA! HERE TO STAY!, etc THE END ______________________________________________________ >>>>>>>>Author's Rights All articles appearing in GRAFFITO -- in either its electronic or printed form -- are copyright by their authors. However, many regular contributors have granted permission for their work to be republished by non profit and generally progressive publications. Where such permission has NOT been granted, articles are marked with the symbol && in the index. Before reprinting such an article, or if uncertain whether your publication is allowed to reprint, please inquire by e-mail at dhell@ozemail.com.au. We like to know what audiences we are reaching, and would therefore appreciate being informed of any republication (in print or electronically). >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> _________________________________________________ GRAFFITO __political satire on line__ http://www.ozemail.com.au/~dhell/graffito.htm dhell@ozemail.com.au PO BOX 103, NORTHGATE, 4013, QLD, AUSTRALIA To subscribe to GRAFFITO write *SUBSCRIBE GRAFFITO* as the subject of a message and send to: dhell@ozemail.com.au _________________________________________________ GRAFFITO is a project of the Satire Workshop. http://www.ozemail.com.au/~dhell ________________________________________________